I too like to sexually gratify food.
whenthecitysleeps- asked
Do you laugh at your own jokes?Like a four year old. Especially the incredibly stupid ones.
Beginning in the 1980s, in the centre of the southern Hungarian city of Pécs, lovers began to clamp padlocks to a wrought-iron fence in a narrow street linking the mosque in the city’s main square and the magnificent medieval cathedral, as a symbol of their commitment to one another. However, after the fence was completely covered and no more padlocks could be added, couples, both locals and tourists, began attaching them to fences and statues throughout the town centre.
Where do babies come from?
Via thefrogman. This will be the best thing you’ll read… umm… ever probably:
When a man and a woman are in love and get married, they decide to show their love by participating in the most heinous of acts. Sexual intercourse. They turn off all the lights and the man inserts his rod of evil into the woman’s hole of Satan. He thrusts back and forth for nearly a minute until his penis ejaculates seminal fluid into the vaginal cavity. Once a sperm is in motion it is then officially a spermatozoon. That’s a fun word. Spermatozoooooooon. Spermatozoooooooooooooon.
Anyway.
Millions of spermatozoa (plural of spermatozoooooon) swim their way up the fallopian tubes. They target an egg and ram their spermy little heads into it. Most of them die from head trauma, but sometimes a lucky little tadpole breaks through and takes up residence inside the ovum…creating an embryo. Depending on your religious beliefs, this is when life begins or it is just a couple of cells that could develop into a wittle baby. If you are a penguin, you really don’t care either way because your brain is unable to comprehend complex concepts and WHERE IS MY FISH?
Once these two parts have bonded, the embryo does its best to attach the uterine wall so it can begin dividing and conquering the mama’s belly. You must of course feed this little embryo all sorts of strange things. Like pickles and ice cream. Or peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches.
Over the next 9 months those two cells divide into billions of cells creating a fetus. If you take a picture of this fetus inside the tummy, it will look like an alien creature. Do not be alarmed. This is normal. You do not have an alien baby.
Relax.
Then the day comes. The amniotic sac ruptures and the fluid is evacuated out of the vagina. Now…they call this “breaking water,” and even though that fluid is mostly water, there are also proteins, carbohydrates, and even a little pee in it. So if she broke water on your couch, I would give that a decent scrubbing after. Or at least turn the cushion over.
Junior is now ready to squeeze his cantaloupe head through the mother’s golf ball vagina. It’s important that the female breath like an idiot to distract her from this fact. Typically like, “Hee hee hooooo. Hee hee hooooo.” Once she figures out that doesn’t do shit, she will demand drugs. Give them to her.
Her cervix will dilate. This only happens in centimeters, as doctors are too good for inches. Once it gets to the size of a lemon, they encourage the woman to start pushing. If you offer the woman your hand at this point, she will break every bone in it. I suggest putting your arms behind your back and having an encouraging expression on your face. The female may poop a little, try not to notice that.
Soon the baby’s head will emerge and the doctors may use salad tongs to help pull it out. It will be slimy. This is normal. You still do not have an alien baby. The doctor then gives the baby its first dose of corporal punishment and smacks it firmly to induce breathing. The baby will start crying. Get used to that.
If your were to try and trace this process back to the point of origin, I would say that it all starts with the rod of evil. Which is the delivery mechanism for the spermatozooooons. Which are manufactured and stored in the balls.
So, in conclusion, babies come from men’s balls of sacky malevolence.
2010. november 26., péntek
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